When life demands more than you can offer

When it feels like the outside world is a dream, and the only reality is you and a hospital monitor that beeps every second.

I believe every person is allotted an amount of stress that they are able to cope with. It might be higher for some people, and lower for others, but I think that everyone has their own stress threshold. The stresses of normal life - a critical remark from a co-worker or a piece of technology not performing properly - these stresses are manageable, and do not become catastrophic. We manage stress by rewarding ourselves, taking breaks, going to sleep early, and generally just by taking care of ourselves. But, when a person is thrust into a serious situation where every moment of time is used up, the normal stress coping mechanisms go out the window. Without taking the normal breaks and time for oneself, stress can build up to a boiling point very quickly if left un-managed. Unfortunately for me, I experienced a great deal of stress in a few days in a hospital last month, and my own means of coping with stress disappeared, as did my ability to take care of myself. There was no option to put myself or the person in need first - obviously I would eat when my help was no longer needed, or take a seat when the chance arose. At that time, it was more important to do everything I could to help that person get better.

Now that she is back to normal, and beginning life as a new mom, I am happy to see the pictures she sends of her new baby. I am happy for her life, and the way our relationship has become so enriched by this bonding experience. I am also happy for her relationship with her fiance, as I saw firsthand how deeply he cares for her, and how much he was willing to sacrifice for her well-being. I am happy that their lives have become normal, and the stresses they face are now the common experiences among all first-time parents.

One thing that has impressed me in this experience is the great effect that one person's life can have on another person's life. When I went to the hospital to help out, I never thought that I would be forced to change so much of my life. I'm supposed to be studying in New York, right now, but I had to cancel that study program. Instead of spending the summer studying in a cubby hole in the New York Public Library, I'm taking a semester off. I'm supposed to be moving back to Korea in August, but I missed my opportunity to apply for jobs and now feel wiser and slightly wary of my dream-like state of life there. I'm supposed to be living my own life fully, and in many ways I am not yet able to do that. And, ironically, now I'm the one who is taking the medicine.

"What does not destroy me makes me stronger"

- Nietzsche

I've always believed the above quotation, and had applied it to the difficult times I had experienced in my life. Before this trauma, my most difficult times were break-ups and travel horrors - but these difficulties don't compare to staring death in the face and singing someone to sleep not knowing if they would awaken. They don't compare to feeling like the outside world is a dream, and the only reality is you and a hospital monitor that beeps every second. When you cry because you hear the songs of birds for the first time in 3 days and realize the outdoor soundtrack you've taken for granted all your life. When you don't want to talk to anyone, or be talked to by anyone, and miss the opportunity to spend an afternoon alone. When every phone call is needy, and every minute demands a new task. When all people within arms reach are asking for you, wanting your time, needing answers, and haphazardly offering suggestions to you. When all your muscles ache but you didn't notice until that moment in the shower. When your brain betrays you, and won't allow sleep when it knows you've been up for days. When you feel wrinkles burrowing into your skin and long for the morning routine of grooming yourself. When you consume nothing but tea and muffins courtesy of someone else, and seek only a moment to sneak down to the hospital food court and order your own take away meal. When every eventual morsel of food you eat is the best you've ever had. When you think just a second anonymity would mend you. When every part of your body and mind feels like it can't keep going.

Something inside of me kept pushing me forward, onto the next step. Something told me to keep going, to keep moving, to keep walking.

During my worst moments, I felt nearly clairvoyant. I had the ability to x-ray anyone around me and determine if they were mentally well or in need of professional help. I felt lifetimes smarter than everyone else, and I felt ecstatic to finally see my whole life through a crystal clear rear view lens. A natural analyzer, I examined all of my friendships to determine who was safe for me to be around. I examined every person that I knew, and decided whether they were healthy or not. Now that I am returning to my quotidian life, I feel that my emotional intelligence will be better than it has been. I also think I will be able to take care of myself better, and be able to recognize when I am giving too much.

"Time heals all wounds"

- Unknown

It's not true that time heals all wounds, because every wound is different. Some wounds might never heal, and perhaps the inevitable distance of time from an unhealed wound is all the healing one can wish for. I certainly feel that the distance in time since this trauma to now - over 5 weeks - is helping me to heal. With each passing day, I feel closer to me. Closer to what I know to be me.

With persistence, professional help, and a lot of hard work and self reflection, I want to come out of this stronger and wiser, with the ability to take better care of myself.

Guest Post: 3 Surprises Teaching in South Korea

Earlier this year, through the star actor in my first viral video explosion, I met a lovely new friend in Korea named Janna. A photographer, blogger, teacher, as well as a fun and creative person, I knew I would love to have her write for my blog at some point. Lucky for my readers, she agreed. Here she shares 3 things which surprised her about teaching in Korea.

My own arrival to Korea in 2006 involved a lot of confusion and alienation, and I definitely required a period of time to adjust to the new way of things around me. Awkwardly asking for my mailing address and being told to use the school's address since my apartment "didn't have one" was just one of my early moments of confusion. But sometimes it's those little moments where expectations are not met where we gain insight into the culture in which we find ourselves.

Take it away, Janna...

It wasn’t long ago that I was wrapping up my life in America and headed to Asia to teach English. After completing a portion of my student teaching in China, I rhetorically thought, “How different can Korea be?” However, the answer is, “a lot”. In Korea, I’ve worked full time in a public middle school and part time at a public elementary school. Like in any country, each school has its very own unique culture. Staying away from the specific cultural differences of each school, my focus here is on the general.  

1 - Slippers

Posing with students usually results in at least one heart, and in this case, two.

In most Asian cultures, it’s customary to take off your shoes at the entrance of household and to wear slippers inside the home. From my experience in China, we kept our shoes on in most other establishments, including schools. Therefore, I was shocked when I arrived in Korea to discover we were to wear slippers inside the school as well. I have my own shoe locker at both schools. My feet have never been so happy in a work environment! I wear comfortable slip-ons in the warm months and warm fuzzy slippers in the winter months. This brings me to my next shocker.

2 - Indoor temperatures

Everywhere she goes, Janna makes friends with the locals.

I arrived in Korea at the end of August. It was humid and in the low to mid 30s every day. Growing up in the southeastern part of America, this was the spring and summer norm for me. My new foreign friends were blown away when they saw me wearing jeans. I thought I could handle this weather. What I wasn’t ready for was the lack of air conditioning. In my school, the windows were open and the air conditioning was off. Students dripped in sweat after playing outside during P.E. Female teachers gathered in the small break room where a wall unit was on blast. I had an A/C control in my room, but was monitored in the office. So, if the students weren’t in the classroom or if the temperature wasn’t above a certain degrees outside, I was asked to keep it off.
 
Autumn came and I recovered. The weather was beautiful for a bit, and then the South Korean chill came that I had always heard about. In my school, and in most, there is no central heating. Each room has its own control, and therefore the classrooms stay fairly warm. The hallways, however, are freezing. In the dead of winter, in the warmest city in South Korea, it was -10 and all the windows were open in the hallway.

There wasn’t a day in the winter when I wasn’t teaching in my winter coat and a scarf. All the students stayed geared up in their puffy coats, bringing blankets and hot packs for their hands into the classroom. This was a big change for me but I adjusted quickly and totally forgot. People from back home commented on pictures, “Why are you wearing gloves in the classroom?” or “Why are all the children wearing huge winter coats indoors?” I had to giggle a little.

3 - Teachers’ Dinners

An artful student account demonstrating Janna's preferred method for disciplining students.

Over the course of a year, you can expect to attend about 5 work dinners, usually around special times like the start of the year or end of a semester. I was excited at my first dinner – free food at a really nice restaurant and a chance for me to get to know the people I saw each day. We sat around the tables crossed legged and began to feast. The food kept coming and we all kept eating. This doesn’t sound too shocking, right?
  
I was enjoying being part of a normal company feast, but then it happened. I was being poured a shot of soju. Everyone got quiet and a teacher of high rank stood up to make a toast. We all toasted and took the shot. Next, the Principal stood up and spoke. We took another shot. I saw the Principal and Vice Principal in the corner stand up with a bottle of whiskey. They came around to every teacher and gave them a shot to drink. The beer started flowing. At each table, I saw shot after shot being poured. I heard glasses clinking all around me. Some ladies got away with pouring Sprite in their shot glasses and snuck out early to leave the scene. This was no ordinary dinner party, so I stayed around to see what would happen next! After dinner, most of the teachers left but about 12 stumbled or took piggy back rides to another place for more food and drinks. At the end of the night, we were about 5 strong at a norebang (singing room). The next morning, my department clapped when I walked to my desk and a co-worker said, “There’s a rumor that you’re engaged to the P.E. teacher”. Laughing, I was sure all I did was sing a duet with him. I’ve tried to understand why these dinners have a tendency to get a little wild. Simply put, Korean teachers are some of the most hardworking, determined people I have ever known, working diligently from 10 to 14 hours a day. I think 4 times a year, they just need to let loose and have a chance to bond with each other.
  
Teaching in slippers, extreme indoor temperatures, and wild nights at faculty dinners are just the start of surprises to come your way! Whether the shockers are good or bad, you adapt, learn, and grow from all of them. Each day in Korea brings something new and wonderful.

You can follow Janna's adventures at www.happytrails2u.tumblr.com.
Stay tuned as she soon launches www.thelongwaybackhome.com.